There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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