she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
