Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
