my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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