Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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