I am puke
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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