At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
