first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
