Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
