My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
