Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i think my mom watched the whole time
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
