apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
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my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
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I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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