I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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