I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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