You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
My cat gives me a boner
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
