I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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