made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
