I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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