i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
