I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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