connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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