He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
