I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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