I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
