If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
