there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
