You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
