would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
