You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
