mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
