i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
