I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
