So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
