and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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