i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
