forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
