He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
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