Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
