Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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