So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
