No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
