brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
