At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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