oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
