last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
