i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
