Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
