guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
