I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
