A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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