I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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