plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...