i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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