Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
