there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
